Dear Man at the Next Urinal

Dear Man at the Next Urinal,

            Men have a very well known rule that when using a urinal you leave a one-urinal gap between you and any other man. However sometimes this is not possible, for instance at one of my favorite pubs, Paddy Coyne’s, there are only two urinals. When this happens you simple stare at the wall in front of you.

            However, Man at the Next Urinal you decided to stare at my manhood throughout the entire time we relieved ourselves. THAT IS NOT OKAY. That is really awkward and invasive. I don’t know you and I don’t want to know you now, so why are you even looking at me at all? I think you need a serious refresher in man law.

            Maybe one explanation for why you’re staring at me so intently is because possible you’re gay? Which is fine. But if you are, don’t you think you’re being a little forward right now?

            Oh yeah and the situation is now made worse by that fact that you’re sitting at the table across from us. Now I get to look at you for the next hour as I try and enjoy my meal.

            So Man at the Next Urinal, first of all, STOP LOOKING AT ME. Second, go home, call up a man friend and have him give you a refresher on man law and proper urinal use. 

Dear Ticket Writer

Dear Ticket Writer,

            As part of my daily commute I have to drive on 5-12 and I-5 and lately I’ve been noticing a lot of people being pulled over and given speeding tickets. And as someone who has been on the receiving end of those tickets numerous times, it’s getting a little annoying.

            Let me clarify this one a little though. I think someone who is blatantly breaking the law should be reprimanded for it. Secondly, I think most police officers are doing an amazing job. They put their lives on the line every day to keep us safe.

            That being said; most of the people I see getting pulled over are driving decent cars and wearing decent clothes. They’re not stopping criminals; they’re giving tickets to hard working people who are trying to contribute to society.

            I think this crack down on speeding is nothing more than the government trying to get more money out of our pockets. (Yeah that’s right, you stumbled onto an “it’s all the governments fault” rant). And it’s not so much that they’re trying to get at us, it makes sense, our state and country are in terrible debt and taxes are already to high. It’s the fact that their making police officers become tax collectors. On a police officers badge it says, “to protect and serve” not “to harass and collect”.

            As if our police officers weren’t getting a bad enough rap already. We become outraged when they try and defend themselves but complain when they don’t protect us enough. Now our local government is pushing them to give out more tickets which, when paid, go to the county.

            Why can’t we just allow them to do the job we expect them to do, protect and serve? So Ticket Writer, I understand that it’s not your fault, but it is getting annoying that every time I drive on I-5 I see at least two people receiving speeding tickets. Can’t you try helping the guy twenty feet away with his hazards on?

Dear Apple Eater

Dear Apple Eater,

            I’m not sure if I find this one annoying, disgusting or humorous. Maybe it’s a little of each.

As I have said, my wife and I live fairly close to a Walmart, and we recently went on a vacation together and needed some apples to snack on during the drive. So naturally we went to Walmart before leaving. While picking out apples we found one that someone had taken a couple bites out of and then returned to the pile.

            Here’s why it’s annoying: if it was an adult who did it, what would ever make them think that was okay. If you bite the apple you just bought the apple. This is not Costco where they give you free samples and it’s not a shirt that you can just put back on the rack. By tasting the apple you’ve now ruined it.

            If it was a kid who did it I can be a little more understanding because they may not know that what they’re doing is wrong. However the parent should still take responsibility for it. If you child breaks something in a store you tell an attendant and offer to pay for it. You don’t put it back on the shelf and walk away.

            Here’s why it’s disgusting: your germs are now all over that apple. And I know I may overreact on this because I have a serious germ phobia, but because you put the apple back, every apple around that apple is now contaminated. So not only can I not take your partially eaten apple, I can’t take any of the five apples around it.

            Here’s why it’s humorous: because it’s Walmart, you kind of expect those things to happen. If it was a normal store I would have told the attendant stocking produce less than ten feet away from me. But instead I smiled at him as I took a picture of it.

            So Apple Eater, I’m going to give you a little slack because we were at Walmart. But that is still annoying and disgusting. If you’re going to taste it at least put it somewhere that an attendant can find it and where it won’t contaminate other apples. 

Dear Mr. Last Guest of the Night

Dear Mr. Last Guest of the Night,

            I work in what I would describe as a mid level restaurant. We try and maintain a fine dinning atmosphere without letting the prices get too high. So for the most part out guest are well mannered and easygoing. However Mr. Last Guest of the Night, you are by far the rudest person I have ever encountered.

            First of all, forcing your daughter and her husband to sit at another table because they showed up fifteen minutes late and you’re to lazy to move four feet to a table that will comfortable seat all five of you is ridiculous. And then after they have eaten and left, without you speaking a word to them, you trying to convince your son and wife it was your daughters fault is pathetic.

            Furthermore, when a restaurant closes at 10:00 pm and I try and give you your check at 9:50 pm don’t say “no we don’t want that. We’re going to sit and talk for a while. And don’t try and push us out like our last server did.” That is a rude and completely inconsiderate thing to say to someone. I know you think you are the master of everything and I am nothing more than a lowly servant whose only purpose in life is to cater to your every wish, but you’re wrong. I have a life, a home to go to and I need to go to bed so I can wake up, come back and serve more idiots like you.

            Oh and by the way, Mr. Last Guest of the Night when it’s 10:15 pm and you’re the last people in the restaurant and you server is standing twenty feet away from you staring you down, it means he wants you to GET OUT!

            So Mr. Last Guest of the Night, I know you think you’re better than everyone around you, but you’re not. You’re nothing more than rude and inconsiderate to your family, the people around you and the people serving you. Oh and just a helpful hint for you, DON’T ANGER PEOPLE WHO HANDLE YOUR FOOD!

Dear Mr. “I seen it”

Dear Mr. “I seen it”,

            I in no way claim to be an expert on grammar, punctuation or even speaking correctly most of the time. But I would say my biggest pet peeve, on the grammatical level, is when a person says “I seen that”.  Because you didn’t “seen” that, you “saw” that. Although I may be hyper sensitive to the issue considering I can still remember my friend saying “seen it” when we were thirteen and it sending shivers up my spine.

            I know that people make grammatical mistakes constantly and almost every time they open their mouths, but none of them make you sound more like an inbred hick than “seen that”. In fact I was recently watching a documentary on bigfoot (yes I think he is real) and they were interviewing the most back woods, deep south, swamp dwelling hillbilly they could find and he never once said “saw”. He did however say “I seen bigfoot over there” and “I seen him walk in the woods there”.

            Don’t worry “seen that” isn’t just reserved for teenagers and hillbillies. I work at a fairly priced fine dining restaurant, where most of the servers are decently educated and well spoken. I was appalled when I heard one of them, while talking about a guest, say “I seen him…”. Really? You have no problem eloquently talking about sixty dollar bottles of wine or selling forty-dollar entrees but you’ll say “I seen him”. Grab your overalls and chewin’ tobacco, it’s time for you to head south. 

Dear Stoned Teenage Driver

Dear Stoned Teenage Driver,

            Recently, as you all know, in Washington State the use of marijuana has become legalized and obviously there are some people who are very excited about it. The other day I was driving on 5-12 on my way to work when I noticed a car driving somewhat erratically. As I got closer I saw the car was filled with four to five young guys, between the ages of sixteen to eighteen, all of which were high out of their minds. Including the driver who was driving with his knees while taking a hit off the giant bong they were passing around. Obviously these boys didn’t care that I saw them because they all waved, smiled and one of them even gave me the thumbs up. They then decided to hit the gas and speed off through traffic. Why is there never a police officer around when you need one?

            All I wanted to do at the moment was make this kids pull over and yell at them for several different reasons.

            First, you little idiots, the law has just passed and Washington State has until December 2013 to get all the protocol in place, which means that technical it’s still a federal crime.

            Second, if I’m not mistaken (which I don’t think I am because I researched it) the law applies to people 21 years of age and older, which you are clearly not! You barely look old enough to drive.

            Third, if you’re not allowed to drink and drive what makes you think you can smoke and drive. A DUI is still a DUI if you’re high.

            Fourth, you’re driving erratically and speeding while high! If you get pulled over you’ll be in handcuffs faster than you can sober up.

            So Stoned Teenage Driver, I know you’re excited that marijuana is legal now, but maybe you should try reading the law, which you’re not old enough to vote on, before you drive like that.

            P.S. The boys did end up driving past a police officer. He was occupied writing a ticket to a gentleman in a suit. Sure pull over the guy who’s trying to go to work and contribute to society but not the delinquents. Good job officer.  

Dear Toyota Rav4

Dear Toyota Rav4,

            I’ll be honest and admit that I probably am not the best person to be giving driving advice, considering I’ve received about 15 speeding tickets. Although I have been doing much better lately. Anyway, one thing that does annoy me is tailgating. And it's more than just your normal tailgating, when I can look in my rearview mirror and see you peering over your steering wheel determining how close you can get to my bumper, that annoys me.

            Now I’ll admit there are times when tailgating someone is acceptable. To give a few examples; if I were going under the speed limit, which I wasn’t. Or if I were in the left lane going the exact speed limit, which I wasn’t. Or if there were no one in front of me and I was going only barely over the speed limit, which there wasn’t and I wasn’t.

            No Toyota Rav4, you chose to tailgate me while we were in traffic, with four cars in front of me, the first of which being a giant truck that you can obviously see. I understand that I have left a little more than a car length in between the truck and I, but that’s to let him know that I know it’s not his fault we’re only going 3mph over, it’s the three cars in front of him cause the slow progress.

            No Toyota Rav4, you’ve decided to blame me personally for our current speed. And for some reason you think it’s necessary to yell profanities at me when I slow down to 50mph to get you off my bumper. By the way, you yelling profanities at me doesn’t offend me, because I can’t hear you! And no, I’m not going to let you pass me on the right. First, because I don’t want you cutting me off and second, because there’s nowhere to go in front of me.

            So Toyota Rav4, if you’re in a hurry to get somewhere, either leave five minutes earlier or accept the fact that there is going to be traffic and you might be late. Either way, stop tailgating me!