Dear Eighty Year Old Express Checker

Dear Eighty Year Old Express Checker,

            My wife and I live decently close to a Walmart, so if we need an item it’s easy to go there and pick it up. Not to mention the fact that it’s a fairly entertaining place. However, ever now and then we only need a single item and are in a hurry to get it. For instance, I’ve had a pretty bad cold lately and one of the symptoms is that my sinuses feel like they’re being crushed by vise grips. So I went to pick up some medication and was in a hurry to get it, since my head felt close to exploding. In a normal grocery store, if you’re in a hurry you go to the self-check out or the express lane, they’re usually faster. The Walmart we go to doesn’t have self-check out lanes so I went into the only express lane open and of course the checker was at least eighty years old.

            Now don’t get me wrong, I think it’s great he has a job. Good on him for staying active and working hard. But when you’re in the express lane you want someone who can move fast and push people through. You don’t want someone who talks about ever item as he scans it and has to reread the computer six times because he forgot his glasses. Not to mention the fact that he can barely move so it takes him a minute to bag each item.

            I understand that I should have switched lanes when I first saw him, but there was one guy in front of me who had maybe five or six items. And just to let you know, I timed it. From the time I got in line to the time I was walking out it took ten minutes. I had time to read the tabloids, text my wife and Facebook about it.

            So Eighty Year Old Checker, I’m glad you have a job and are contributing, but don’t be an express checker if it takes you ten minutes to get through one person.

Dear Maintenance Man

Dear Maintenance Man,

I'm positive I can't be the only one who has experienced this phenomenon, since it's happened to me on more than one occasion. You're forced to let someone into your house, such as a maintenance man and who thinks it's essential to talk to you, even though you're doing your best to look busy reading that book. So not only does he find it necessary to talk to you he thinks it's a great idea to tell a stranger, who's trying to ignore him, about his "real job". I've had a singer before, which is awkward enough because I don't want some random person signing in my living room. But this time I got the comedian.

Now I know what you're thinking, "well that could be entertaining". Its not, it's awkward. I had a fifty-something year old man, that I couldn't get away from, telling me jokes I didn't want to hear and don't think are funny.

However since I'm a nice guy I sat politely and listen to joke after joke followed by him telling me which nights he performs at which comedy clubs, where they are and that I should come see him.

First of all, have you ever been in an awkward situation and had to fake laugh? It is the most unconvincing laugh ever. Not only is it fake, it's awkward fake. That laugh is in no way sounds real! So if you, maintenance man, hear me fake laughing, or not even fake laughing but just saying "oh, yeah, that's funny" why would you keep telling me jokes!

Furthermore, when you ask me "do you like comedy clubs" and I say "no", why would you tell me that I should come see you perform?

So, dear maintenance man, no I don't want to hear a joke. No, I don't think you're funny. And I'm sorry to disappoint you but I'm not going to make it to the club on Wednesday and I don't think I'll make it Thursday either. So please just fix the heater.